With my due date rapidly approaching (at long last, August 31 is in sight) I’m in that final lap of pregnancy. Has anyone ever entered this phase gracefully? Those stinking models that you see in the pregnancy magazines, do they really wear heals and have smiles on their faces right up until the end, ankles never swollen, heartburn never churning, is that possible? Or can I just assume they’re actually human, pregnant women that enter the last month of pregnancy like we all do - ready… oh so ready, to be DONE!

Even at the end of my first pregnancy which I described earlier as “all rainbows & kittens” I was done. I had loved the pregnancy journey I’d gone on but things just start to get so squished and uncomfortable during this home stretch. My recent check up the doctor confirmed that this little man was ‘in position’ head down and ready to leave the pod. We’re ready for ya! Come out any time now.

I’ve assured friends and neighbors that it’s fine if they want to sneak up and scare me. Feel free to grab my ankles and go for that pressure point that’s supposed to induce labor. I’ll be walking (as much as possible anyway, ugh) and even though sex has seemed completely uninteresting to me through this pregnancy, I’ll be offering up the goods (if you can call them that at this stage) to my very neglected husband - give me your prostaglandin deposit now! What else, let’s see I need to dust off that box of Red Raspberry Leaf tea and all those other things that people say will induce labor naturally. None of them worked with my daughter, she came two weeks late and I don’t know what I’ll do if the day August 31 passes and I’m not yet holding my baby in my arms.

I am so tired of running at half capacity. One of my biggest pet peeves is not being able to perform at my normal speed, I have a house that’s half as clean, a daughter that’s half as entertained and a husband who is at the bottom of this list so he’s not as nurtured as he should be either (poor guy). Meanwhile the laundry taunts me, piling up faster then I can manage it. My maternity clothes are looking ridiculous with stains on the lower belly that I don’t even know I’ve got until I go to wash them, then it’s, “What the heck did my belly rub against that was pink…hmm…” I’m uncomfortable in most positions standing is ok but not for very long. ARGH! What magic will get my mind off of this?

I need help and it’s not something I enjoy asking for.

My mom is coming up. Finally my step-dad is back in town and can baby sit their precious cat, grumble grumble… so she will come. Putting to shame my ability to play with my daughter the past few months, my mom has this knack for the pretend play, she tirelessly acts out little scenes, pretending to be the wicked step-mother, the fairy godmother, the patient, the student, whatever my daughter desires. It will make my parenting efforts look very much like chop liver but hurray. Hurray for my daughter getting some quality time with her grandmother, whom she adores. Hurray for the extra sleep I plan on getting since the only thing that stops me from sleeping constantly at the moment is peeing and eating (and of course the mom role that I’m failing at).

My mom’s visit is only for a few days but I’ve got big plans. The laundry will be caught up on and I’ll make sure everyone wears a given outfit at least 2 times before it meets our hamper. I’m going to get a skateboard or one of those things mechanics roll around on and I’ll clean our floors and the bathroom that way. Then I will sleep with a bottle of TUMS in one hand and a bedpan in the other, no, I’ll just make a bed on the newly cleaned bathroom floor.

See, this is the reality of the end of pregnancy, it doesn’t include a smiling or ‘glowing’ pregnant woman, lovingly putting the finishing touches on a picture perfect nursery full of new things all of which match perfectly. It’s the gritty end. There’s no room in the womb and if the baby stretches just right you WILL pee yourself.